Do you set the boundaries you need?

For years I didn’t, and I wondered why my life didn’t work. I didn’t really understand what boundaries were or why I needed them. 

My severe lack of boundaries allowed me to give away my time, energy, power, pride and love to others, leaving virtually nothing for myself. For years, I lived in a perpetual state of lack, feeling like I wasn’t enough or hadn’t tried hard enough. Unsurprisingly, things eventually reached a breaking point and it all came crashing down on me.

Living without boundaries, overworking myself to the point of burnout, trying to please everyone around me, trying to do it all for everyone, be there whenever someone ‘needed’ me, …all of it left me feeling broken. My lack of boundaries was costing me too much. 

The day it all came crashing down, I was 30 minutes into a 60 minute Hot Bikram class, when I realized something was wrong. Actually, I knew 10 minutes into class, but I chose to ignore it. As I moved into Standing Bow Pulling pose my head felt like it was going to explode and the sounds of the room dampened, I was about to pass out. I quickly dropped to Child’s Pose. I moved sparingly in and out of the pose for the next few poses. For the last 15 minutes of class I rolled over to Savasana and melted, eyes closed, into the mat. 

Did I wimp out of class that day? Not at all. 

It was a much needed reminder that everyone needs a break sometimes, and I uncovered the need to honor boundaries, on AND off the mat.

What does honoring your boundaries in yoga mean? It’s knowing the difference between what your mind wants and what your body needs.

Your mind is telling you everyone else in class is doing this fancy pose so you better do it too or everyone will know you don’t deserve to be in this class.  It’s self-imposed pressure and judgment making you feel like you have to compete. The big question to ask yourself is, “Is this my ego telling me to go for it (your mind), or is my body saying yes, that pose will feel good, helpful and healing?”

Learning to listen to your body is one of the most important benefits of yoga. Our bodies are designed to give us constant feedback for optimal health. We just have to learn to listen and trust what we are hearing.

Once you become more attuned to the cues your body gives you, you’ll find yourself self-correcting negative postural habits, making healthier food choices and even finding the ability to step away from toxic situations in your daily life off the mat.

Therefore…Boundaries.

Boundaries help us to recognize our own needs. They show us it’s perfectly acceptable to have needs AND take care of them. Always. Not having boundaries allows you to deny your needs through numbing behavior such as: overworking, overspending, procrastination, physical strain, people-pleasing and unhealthy relationships. Whatever your personal preference, all of the behaviors allow you to disconnect from who you really are and how you feel in order to push on and get through. The more you deny your needs, the louder they shout and try to get your attention, so you have to keep numbing away to quiet them down, and let’s face it, that’s no way to live.

Boundaries are a work-in-progress; they cannot be a one-and-done exercise. Life and people around you are constantly changing, so you will need to keep managing your boundaries as these changes happen. If we begin each day with an awareness of our body and mind, it will get easier to tune in to the needs of both, and to acknowledge when your boundaries have been reached. 

• “No pain, No gain!” WRONG! It’s not a yoga mantra, on or off the mat. The famous saying has skewed our visions of ‘gains’ in life physically and mentally. There is a difference between working and hurting. On the mat you should feel the muscles working in a pose. Off the mat you should feel your heart and mind working on…well, your life. But it shouldn’t hurt, especially as a result of self inflicted hurt. 
• There are no awards in yoga. After you leave the studio, nobody knows how many Sun Salutations you completed or if your Balancing Stick looked like a Capital T. In life, the are rewards, but not awards. It’s easy to confuse the two. Nobody will know that you took a hot bath, instead of doing the laundry.
• Your mat is a place of self discovery, not a bashing zone, and so is your mind. We have to stop beating ourselves up. You brought store made products to the PTA bake sale, your forward fold doesn’t look like the gal next to you, you didn’t answer the phone when it rang at 7:30 pm because you knew the person on the other end would be too mentally draining. Life is about the present moment and where you are right now. Which in turn makes it about what you need right now. Go with that gut feeling, it won’t lead you astray, I promise. 
• Yoga is a practice. Every time you step on your mat you have an opportunity to practice listening to your mind and body. Translate this to your daily grind. Every time you open your eyes you have an opportunity to practice YOUR best life. Leave what no longer serves you, set boundaries from experiences and people that leave you feeling drained. Learn to say no.

Even when you are really attune to yourself and have set healthy boundaries, they can still falter. Recognize your humanity and don’t forget humility as well. Just as there is something to learn, there will always be a reason to laugh, which helps you let go and move forward, both on and off the mat.

Namaste-

Jessica